I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
