I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
