i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i think my cat just said my name.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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