just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
