You don't have asthma, your pregnant
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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