I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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