My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
