I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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