i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
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I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
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Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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