I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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