My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
