I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
