i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
