i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
