Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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