I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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