Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
