i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
