It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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