The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I checked into jail on foursquare
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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