Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
