you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
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I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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