The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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