my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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