mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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