We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
