yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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