No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
