my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Randomize
