I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
