Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
