1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
