I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
