His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
