I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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