I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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