and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.