dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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