That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
