i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Bring me that man meat
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