i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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