My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
