Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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