Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
