Already got asked if we're dating
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
