Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
