I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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