Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
