This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My hand turned me down
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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