Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
