please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
50% drunk capacity currently
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
