I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
