Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
She announced her abortion via fbk
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
