he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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