So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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