I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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