so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
