So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
