I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
